


Hopelessly Gone

by pherryt



Series: Kisses Bingo [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Cuddling, Happy Ending, Hurt!Bones, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Rescue, Temporarily Blind, leonard thinks he's dying, non graphic injuries, not so deathbed confession, soft, worried!Jim, wrist kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:29:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: A mission goes wrong and Leonard is hurt, but he can't blame Jim for that. It was his own fault for volunteering anyway, because where Jim went, there - apparently - so did he.Even if he knew his feelings were one sided. Even if he long ago gave up hope that they'd be reciprocated.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, McKirk
Series: Kisses Bingo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852864
Comments: 20
Kudos: 127
Collections: Bones McCoy H/C, Kisses Bingo, Leonard McCoy Bingo





	Hopelessly Gone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LoonyLoopyLisa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoonyLoopyLisa/gifts).



> FINALLY FILLING A SQUARE FROM MY LEONARD MCCOY BINGO!!!! AAAAAAAAAAH What EVEN!?
> 
> Okay, so this is square B1 - Losing Hope as chosen by LoonyLoopyLisa who also gave me a little bit of a scenario to follow - what do you think?  
> It also fills the Kisses Bingo Square - I3: Wrist Kisses
> 
> Not Betad - and my shift key is broken so i probably missed some capitals/punctuation even though i tried to stay on top of that. Sorry guys.

The mission had gone sideways, cause didn’t it always just? And it was Leonard that was paying the price. Of fucking course.

He didn’t blame Jim. How could he? One of the reasons Leonard had fallen for Jim was the bright genius and good heart that Jim possessed and Jim just couldn’t see. Jim could no more have denied himself the stars than Leonard could have _not_ been a doctor. It was against his nature, as it would have been against Jim’s.

He couldn’t blame Jim for following his dream, for trying to help people in the process. Wasn’t that what Leonard was trying to do? He’d be hypocritical to deny Jim any of those things. It was his own fucking fault that he’d followed Jim to space, his own fucking fault that he couldn’t say no to those baby blues.

It was Leonard who’d insisted that Jim didn’t do this mission alone when Jim had initially suggested it. And it was Leonard who’d taken one look at his med staff and decided it had to be him, since he had the most experience and there were no pressing cases on board to demand his expertise.

Leonard, as he’d been forced to admit more than once, might have a bit of a… problem in that regard. A control problem, some might say. His staff was good. More than capable, even. Better than some of the doctors he’d worked with back on Earth. More versatile, definitely, and quick to adapt to the unpredictable situations they’d come across out here in the black of space. He _knew_ all this, had handpicked the majority of them himself, and they’d all proved themselves competent again and again, trials by fire. He had no complaints.

And yet…

Leonard took a shaky breath, could hear Jim rushing to his side though he couldn’t see him.

At least it meant no one else was dying in Leonard’s place.

“Bones!” Jim shouted, hitting the ground beside Leonard with what sounded like a painful thump.

“Here,” Leonard croaked, coughing. He turned his head to the side slowly, as dizziness pushed through him. The change of position didn’t help any, he still couldn’t see. Swallowing, Leonard forced himself to ask the question, despite dreading the answer. “Jim, did the lights go out or…?”

He could hear Jim’s inhale, but to his credit, Jim’s voice was steady as anything when he answered. “No, they didn’t. Lights are dim, but still on.”

Leonard nodded and groaned halfway through the motion, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain that rocketed through his head. After a few, panting breaths, he asked, “How bad is it?”

“Not good,” Jim admitted. “Lost contact with the Enterprise and the controls are definitely dead. Oxygen was already low but I think a lot of the rest vented in the explosion.”

“What happened? What went wrong?”

Jim didn’t answer. Leonard heard movement, heard the beeping of the medical tricorder as Jim fumbled with it, presumably scanning it over Leonard.

“Jim?”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Bones. This is my fault-“

“In a pig’s eye,” Leonard snapped. “One, I volunteered. Two, we knew this was a longshot, that it would be dangerous. And three, there was no way you could have predicted this. ‘less you’re suddenly psychic, now?”

The anger and frustration shoved the words out of his mouth, against a rising tightness in his chest, causing him to wheeze and cough for breath when he was done.

“Easy, Bones,” Jim said, a hand pressed to Leonard’s sternum, warm and strong, but gentle. Like he always was. Leonard’s eyes filled with tears. It had to be bad, that Jim wasn’t giving him a straight answer. Either they were both fucked, left to drift here without hope of rescue and no oxygen, or Leonard was injured too badly to recover even if they were rescued.

It was just like Jim to try and spare his feelings, through sheer stubborn belief that it would all work out, somehow. Jim didn’t believe in the no win scenario, but one day it was bound to catch up to him, and those around him.

Other than the loss of sight and the difficulty breathing, Leonard’s body was a mass of aches. He couldn’t read the tricorder and Jim still hadn’t told him how bad it was, so he took a breath and attempted to clear his mind and catalogue everything.

He was awake. Dizzy, head throbbing, body aching but awake. So… that was good. Head injuries were bad, but at least he hadn’t lot consciousness, though that could change. He shifted and cried out as pain seared through him.

Immediately Jim was there. “Shhh, don’t move.”

Gritting his teeth, Leonard asked again. “How _bad_ is it?”

Jim sighs, hands running over Leonard’s body - as if reassuring himself Leonard was still there, as if he were the blind one and not Leonard - before grasping at Leonard and clasping their hands together. “It’s bad. Nothing the Enterprise can’t fix if we can _reach_ her, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.”

“Not like you to give up,” Leonard rasped out.

“Like fucking hell I’m giving up!” Jim growled, tone offended and Leonard let out a weak chuckle that jostled him and caused him to groan in response. Jim continued on, softer. “I’m just worried. We don’t have much margin for error on this one.” 

“That’s usually when you pull a miracle out of your goddamn ass,” Leonard remarked. He had to stop and breathe when he was done. He wasn’t sure if he was reassuring himself, or Jim, but it was definitely getting harder to breathe, to focus on his surroundings.

Without sight, he was unsure if he faded out or not, but he was pretty sure he must have, when he heard Jim pleading with him.

“-and I won’t do anything reckless ever again if you just stay alive until Spock rescues us, okay? We’re going to get out of here – “

There was whack as flesh hit metal.

“C’mon you outdated piece of shit! I thought they built stuff to last in the good ol’ days! Work, damn you!” Jim’s voice was frustrated, worn and rough in a way Leonard didn’t think he’d ever heard before. It tore him up to hear it and he wished he could tell Jim it would be all right, wished that he could wrap Jim in his arms and bring him comfort, especially if these were their last moments.

Maybe he could.

When Leonard had met Jim, the man had been starved for affection. Jim deserved better, deserved _so much more_ , and even if Jim didn’t return the depth of Leonard’s feelings, it could only make Jim feel better, right? To know that he _was_ loved and loveable after all.

“Jim,” Leonard rasped out, pushing the word out with some difficulty. He reached out blindly with a pained hiss and instantly, there was a metallic clatter and then Jim’s hands were holding Leonards’ outstretched one once more.

“Thank god,” Jim breathed. His voice was low, soft, but so damn close his breath tickled Leonard’s cheek. “You gotta stay awake for me, Bones.”

“I am awake,” Leonard grumped. He curled his finger around Jim’s hands as best he could. They felt stiff and far too cold to be comfortable. Jim swore, rubbing at Leonard’s hand. “Gotta tell ya somethin’, kid.”

“I’m sure it can wait,” Jim said.

“Shut up and let me talk,” Leonard snapped.

There was a wet chuckle, Jim’s grip tightening on Leonard. “Sure know how to make a fella feel loved,” Jim said.

“I do.”

“What?”

“You. I love you, you fucking idiot,” Leonard said. “Fuck, I wasn’t ever gonna say. Didn’t want to ruin things between us, but you deserved to know.” He paused for breath and registered how hard Jim was holding on to him. “You are the most selfless idiot I know, always throwing yourself in harms way for the other guy, always willing to give out parts of yourself without expecting anything back, and god help me, but I fell for you such a long damn time ago, even if I wouldn’t admit it to myself then.”

“ _Bones_ –“ Jim whispered, sounding as rough as Leonard felt.

“You deserve to be loved, deserve to know that you _are_ loved, even if…” Leonard choked, the words stuck in his throat, the breathlessness too much to push past.

“Even if…” Jim croaked. “I swear to god, Bones, if you tell me you thought I didn’t love you, you and me are going to have words.”

“Don’t be an ass,” Leonard coughed out. “Knew you did. Jim, you love _everybody_. It’s both your most infuriating and endearing quality. Just didn’t think your love for me was anything more than what you gave everyone else.”

 _“Leonard,”_ Jim’s voice cracked and broke and Leonard’s breathing hitched in a way that had nothing to do with whatever injuries he’d picked up. It was a rare, rare moment when Jim used his _name._ Sure, Bones was special, and no one other than Jim used it, but… that made the use of Leonards’ name all the more impactful.

“It’s okay, Jim,” Leonard said, each word getting harder to push out. “I never expected more. It was enough to be by your side.”

“You are _not_ dying on me,” Jim said, voice thick. “We’re getting out of this. This will _not_ be your deathbed confession.”

“I don’t… regret a minute… of it,” Leonard said, his voice growing weaker by the second. God, what he wouldn’t do to be able to see Jim’s face one last time before the end.

Jim shifted closer, pressing his face against Leonard’s hand, a kiss to his wrist, soft and heart achingly sweet. There was wetness, tears, and Leonard wanted to wipe them away. Jim had had enough sadness in his life and Leonard wished he wasn’t about to contribute more to it.

“You’re a stubborn,” another kiss, this time the back of his hand, “blind,” followed by several more kisses, one for each finger, “self-sacrificing idiot,” Jim, lips brushing Leonard’s knuckles. He heard a whine and for a second, Leonard thought it was him, until the quality of the sound changed in pitch and harmony and he realized he _recognized_ the broken warble of it as it struggled through whatever had been limiting it – and communications - earlier.

There was a brief few seconds of stomach twisting freefall, then the air changed and sound rushed in. Leonard made the realization that they’d been rescued after all, but didn’t even have the time to worry about his confession before the hiss of a hypospray sounded in his ears.

He blinked his gritty eyes open who knew how long later, flinching at the light that stabbed through him. Relief flooded him that he hadn’t gone blind after all, even as he groaned and closed his eyes against the brightness.

A familiar hand took his again, warm and firm.

“You’re awake,” Jim breathed. Leonard slowly, carefully, blinked his eyes back open, keeping them narrowed to slits as he stared up at the beautiful face of Jim Kirk – his captain, his best friend, the love of his goddamn life.

Leonard stared at him dazedly, struggling to remember something. “I’ll get back to you on that,” he grunted, pushing to sit up.

“Oh no you don’t,” Jim said firmly, pushing him back down but at least taking pity on Leonard and raising the bed.

Jim’s thumb was rubbing along Leonard’s hand and he angled down to stare at his hand clasped in Jim’s.

“Jim?” he asked uncertainly.

“Yeah, you don’t get to drop that little bomb and _not_ expect us to talk about it,” Jim said, smiling at Leonard in a way that he’d only seen a few times before, always directed at him, bright and full of gleeful sunshine and awe.

Leonard was also filled with awe as he reached his free hand up to touch Jim’s face and watched Jim close his eyes and lean into the touch. He held his breath when Jim turned in Leonard’s hand and kissed his palm, eyes fluttering open to look at Leonard.

“I love you, Len,” he said with quiet sincerity that took Leonard’s breath away. There was a beeping nearby, but both he and Jim ignored it. Then Jim smirked. “You had me at ‘I may throw up on ya’,” Jim said, affecting the worse imitation Leonard had heard in his life.

Barking out a laugh, Leonard said, “You did _not_ , you little shit.”

“Okay, no I didn’t,” Jim agreed, his smirk growing wider and his eyes twinkling with that damnable mischief he was known for, “but it was just the beginning of the end, and I never even knew it. Now I know there’s a new beginning to be had. You and me, Bones, against the world. Starfleet will never know what hit them.”

“Starfleet _already_ doesn’t know what hit them,” Leonard pointed out.

“True,” Jim conceded, skootching a little closer. His face grew serious and he leaned in close, catching Leonard’s eyes with his. “You scared me, Bones. Seriously scared me. That was far too close for my liking. You are not ever allowed to do that again. Who’ll keep me outta trouble if you’re gone?”

“Spock,” Leonard said without skipping a beat.

Jim groaned and dropped his head to the bed. “You’re terrible,” he said, voice muffled.

“Yeah, but you love me,” Leonard said, testing the words. This couldn’t possibly be real, right? He was delirious with pain or something. He slid a hand over Jim’s head, threading his fingers gently through his hair. Jim cocked his head sideways to peer up at Leonard from the bed with one, vividly blue eye.

“I do,” Jim said with quiet conviction, a giddy smile slowly breaking over his face like the dawn. “Turns out, feelings mutual. Can’t beat that.”

Leonard felt an answering smile spread over his lips. “Nah, guess ya can’t.” He gave Jim a gentle tug and Jim stumbled up to his feet. “What say we get me discharged so we can cuddle in a bed big enough for the both of us?”

“You’re free to go, doctor,” Chapels’ voice called from across the medbay. Leonard’s head whipped up with a twinge, face turning red. While on some level he’d _known_ he was in Sickbay, he’d completely forgotten exactly what that _meant._ Christine turned to look at him severely, pointing an accusing finger at him. “But only if you promise to keep it strictly to cuddling, or both of you will be answering to me.”

Leonard smiled weakly at her, trying to muster up all his innocent ‘who me’ charm.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “I mean it. If you undo all Doctor M’Benga’s work, and all those hours with the regen units, I will hunt you down myself.”

“Yes’m,” Leonard said.

“Good, now get out of here. The two of you have been sapping up the place so much, nobody wants to work,” she said.

Jim helped Leonard stand and walk. He was weaker than he’d expected, but nobody had yet told him how long he’d been out and how bad he’d been hurt. A while and bad, he suspected, with the way Jim had looked at him when he woke up. So he let Jim support him all the way back to the officers quarters where Leonard gratefully eased down onto Jim’s bed with Jim’s help.

“Would she really hunt us down?” Jim said, shrugging out of his command shirt. “I mean, I _am_ the captain.”

Leonard looked at him tiredly, yawned and reached for Jim. “Never mess with the nurses, Jim. Especially Chapel. Who do you think keeps the doctors in line? Now get over here, I’m tired.”

Jim crawled into his bed, settling down beside Leonard gingerly. Grunting, Leonard rolled to his side to face Jim, tangling their fingers together.

“I ain’t gonna break,” he said.

Jim made a wounded little noise. “You almost did.”

“But I didn’t.”

“I almost lost you,” Jim whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

“But you didn’t,” Leonard whispered back. He tugged at Jim’s hands, lifting them to his lips and kissing the knuckles. “Don’t dwell on it. Let’s just sleep. I’d hazard a guess you haven’t gotten much recently?”

Jim snorted, a little wet. “Not much, no.”

“Then sleep,” Leonard said, yawning, edging closer and tucking his head into Jim’s shoulder and breathing in the smell of him. One of Jim’s arms tentatively wrapped itself around Leonard’s waist and pulled himself a little closer in response and lips pressed against Leonard’s temple.

“Okay, yeah, let’s sleep,” Jim said. Leonard sighed in contentment he drifted off to sleep.

He’d probably wake in a few hours, whenever his pain meds wore off, but for now, this was good. He was still unsure how it’d happened, when he’d long since lost hope of ever having Jim’s love in this way, but it had. And as much as life had kicked Leonard when he was down more than once, it had also been looking up a lot more recently too, the turning point – as ever – one, James T. Kirk.

Leonard would take it.


End file.
